Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

Stuart Mackenzie: Well, it's a well known fact, Sonny Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows.

Tony Giardino: So who's in this Pentavirate?

Stuart Mackenzie: The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, *and* Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee *beady* eyes, and that smug look on his face. "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"

Charlie Mackenzie: Dad, how can you hate "The Colonel"?

Stuart Mackenzie: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!

— So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

The Return of Carrot

"If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer."

— Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

Messenger: Choose your next words carefully Leonidas. They may be your last, as king.

King Leonidas: [to himself: thinking] "Earth and water"?
[Leonidas unsheathes and points his sword at the Messenger's throat]

Messenger: Madman! Your a madman!

King Leonidas: Earth and water? You'll find plenty of both down there.

Messenger: No man, Persian or Greek, no man threatens a messenger!

King Leonidas: You bring the crowns and heads of conquered kings to my city steps. You insult my queen. You threaten my people with slavery and death! Oh, I've chosen my words carefully, Persian. Perhaps you should have done the same!

Messenger: This is blasphemy! This is madness!

King Leonidas: Madness? THIS... IS... SPARTA! [Kicks the messenger down the well]

— 300 (2006)

Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

Old Woman: Excuse me, but can you blow me where the pampers is?
Gutter: What?
Old Woman: Can you blow me where the pampers is?
Gutter: What?
Old Woman: Can you *show* me where the *campus* is?

— PCU (1994)

Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

Bill: As you know, l'm quite keen on comic books. Especially the ones about superheroes. I find the whole mythology surrounding superheroes fascinating. Take my favorite superhero, Superman. Not a great comic book. Not particularly well-drawn. But the mythology... The mythology is not only great, it's unique. Now, a staple of the superhero mythology is, there's the superhero and there's the alter ego. Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, Spider-Man is actually Peter Parker. When that character wakes up in the morning, he's Peter Parker. He has to put on a costume to become Spider-Man. And it is in that characteristic Superman stands alone. Superman didn't become Superman. Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he's Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red "S", that's the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears - the glasses, the business suit - that's the costume. That's the costume Superman wears to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent. He's weak... he's unsure of himself... he's a coward. Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the whole human race. Sorta like Beatrix Kiddo and Mrs. Tommy Plimpton.

— Kill Bill Vol. II (2004)

Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

Tyler Durden: We're consumers. We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty, these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra.

Narrator: Martha Stewart.

Tyler Durden: Fuck Martha Stewart. Martha's polishing the brass on the Titanic. It's all going down, man. So fuck off with your sofa units and Strinne green stripe patterns.

— Fight Club (1999)

Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

Hitchhiker: You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs?

Ted: Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the excercise video.

Hitchhiker: Yeah, this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7... Minute... Abs.

Ted: Right. Yes. OK, all right. I see where you're going.

Hitchhiker: Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin' there, there's 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?

Ted: I would go for the 7.

Hitchhiker: Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk.

Ted: You guarantee it? That's - how do you do that?

Hitchhiker: If you're not happy with the first 7 minutes, we're gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That's it. That's our motto. That's where we're comin' from. That's from "A" to "B".

Ted: That's right. That's - that's good. That's good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you're in trouble, huh?

[Hitchhiker convulses]

Hitchhiker: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.

Ted: That - good point.

Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.

Ted: Why?

Hitchhiker: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!

— There's Something About Mary (1998)

Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

Agent Sands: El, you really must try this because it's puerco pibil. It's a slow-roasted pork, nothing fancy. It just happens to be my favorite, and I order it with a tequila and lime in every dive I go to in this country. And honestly, that is the best it's ever been anywhere. In fact, it's too good. It's so good that when I'm finished, I'll pay my check, walk straight into the kitchen and shoot the cook. Because that's what I do. I restore the balance to this country. And that is what I would like from you right now. Help keep the balance by pulling the trigger.

— Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)

Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

Bullet Tooth Tony: So, you are obviously the big dick. The men on the side of ya are your balls. There are two types of balls. There are big brave balls, and there are little mincey faggot balls.

Vinny: These are your last words, so make them a prayer.

Bullet Tooth Tony: Now, dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old pussy, and have brought your two small mincey faggot balls along for a good old time. But you've got your parties mangled up. There's no pussy here, just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a prick, you are having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with you. And the fact that you've got "Replica" written down the side of your gun...

[Zoom in on the side of Sol's gun, which indeed has "REPLICA" etched on the side; zoom out, as they sneak peeks at the sides of their guns]

... and the fact that I've got "Desert Eagle point five O"...

[Withdraws his gun and puts it on the table]

...written down the side of mine...

[They look, zoom in on the side of his gun, which indeed has "DESERT EAGLE .50" etched on the side]

... should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now... Fuck off!

— Snatch (2000)

Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

Ace Ventura: [as Captain Kirk] Captain's Log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of aquatic life, but I'm going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER.

— Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

Miracle Max: He probably owes you money huh? I'll ask him.

Inigo Montoya: He's dead. He can't talk.

Miracle Max: Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do.

Inigo Montoya: What's that?

Miracle Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

— The Princess Bride (1987)

Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

Crash Davis: Your shower shoes have fungus on them. You'll never make it to the bigs with fungus on your shower shoes. Think classy, you'll be classy. If you win 20 in the show, you can let the fungus grow back and the press'll think you're colorful. Until you win 20 in the show, however, it means you are a slob.

— Bull Durham (1988)

From Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

Jack Burton: When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against a bar room wall, looks you straight in the eye and asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that: "Have ya paid your dues, Jack?" [pause] "Yessir, the check is in the mail."

— Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

George Downes: Maybe there won't be marriage, maybe there won't be sex, but by God there will be dancing!

— My Best Friend's Wedding (1997)

Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

[Ralphie is seeing Santa, only he can't remember what he wanted]
Santa Claus: How about a nice football?

Ralphie as Adult: Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out "football".

Santa Claus: Okay, get him out of here.

Ralphie as Adult: A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!

Ralphie: [Is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up]
No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!

Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

— A Christmas Story (1983)

Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

Frank Cross: The bitch hit me with a toaster.

— Scrooged (1988)

Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

— Christmas Vacation (1989)

Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

[as they are dangling from under the road way, after Left Ear's gotten all the explosives in place, and is about to insert the detonater]

Left Ear: Just give me a minute.

Charlie Croker: [impatiently] NOW?

Left Ear: I'm about to insert this detonator tube, and if the brass touches the sides, you and I will be the last people each of us will see.

Charlie Croker: Take all the time you need.

Left Ear: [after a pause] Hey, Charlie?

Charlie Croker: What?

Left Ear: I love you, man.

Charlie Croker: I love you too.

— The Italian Job (2003)

Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

Tricia Jones: When are men going to realize that women want ROMANCE, not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride...

Brodie: Hey, now, be fair. *EVERYONE* wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

— Mall Rats (1995)

Carrot's Movie Quote Hall of Fame

H.I.: [Aims gun at the clerk] Wake up, Son.
H.I.: I'll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash ya got.
Ed McDonnough: [Sees H.I. from the car] That son' bitch. That son of a bitch! You son of a bitch!
H.I.: And make it quick, I'm in dutch with the wife.
— Raising Arizona (1987)