By : Jazabel Tan
By the time the Lord made woman,
he was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered,
"Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!?
No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."
"But I won't," the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hours a day."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed,
"but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."
The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak,"
the Lord corrected,
"that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed.
"You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."
And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love, and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes, and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run, or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY sometimes FORGET THEIR WORTH.
Miracle Max: He probably owes you money huh? I'll ask him.
Inigo Montoya: He's dead. He can't talk.
Miracle Max: Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do.
Inigo Montoya: What's that?
Miracle Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.
— The Princess Bride (1987)
Dookie Picture
Today I made a dookie that looked like the alien baby from the Alien movie... all fetal and everything. I wanted to pick it from the bowl and caress it for its first moments of life, but the auto flusher got him before he even took his first breath.
— From Munny on 7/12/06
Crash Davis: Your shower shoes have fungus on them. You'll never make it to the bigs with fungus on your shower shoes. Think classy, you'll be classy. If you win 20 in the show, you can let the fungus grow back and the press'll think you're colorful. Until you win 20 in the show, however, it means you are a slob.
— Bull Durham (1988)
Seen here post bath, Gusoline got a proper spa day quite opposite of ten minutes in the Pet Spa.
(subject is a K9 actor portraying Gus, not the actual phenom that IS Gus)
A Snickers ad has been pulled after some groups called it homophobic, suicide watch groups want GM robot ad pulled and a controversy over Prince's silhouetted guitar solo at the Super Bowl.
Pet's Spa Cabin eliminates the stress produced by current pet cleaning methods. The Cabin eliminates the need for punishment or sedatives when washing nervous or aggressive cats and dogs.
Several programs are available to meet the different needs of each Pet and breed. The time of the bath is usually reduced in half compared to traditional bathing. The Cabin provides a warm hydro-massage shower stimulating the circulation which is very beneficial for arthritis, muscle weakness, physical therapy and rehabilitation.
Temperatures are precisely maintained at the recommended levels by the Board of Veterinary Medicine. Using a precise dosage center the Cabin can deliver a variety of medications and chemicals at exact amounts and intervals.
During the drying process the air is distributed evenly around the Cabin. This is more pleasant for the pet than the normal method using a direct stream of air.
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
Jack Burton: When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against a bar room wall, looks you straight in the eye and asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that: "Have ya paid your dues, Jack?" [pause] "Yessir, the check is in the mail."
— Big Trouble in Little China (1986)
David Hasselfhoff - "I find it a bid sad that there is no photo of me at the museum at Checkpoint Charlie."
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.
And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
-M. Acklam
All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread. These are not made up. Check them out yourself!
1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com
2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com
6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales ,
www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com
8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com
9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
www.speedofart.com
I met him in a swamp down in Dagoba
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda
S O D A, soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said "Yoda"
Y O D A, Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Well, I've been around, but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a muppet, but he's wrinkled and green
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
— "Yoda" Weird Al Yankovic
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Thank you,
Accounting
Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5510 Feeling Bored
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6211 Updating Resume
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
8000 Recreational Drug Use
8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
8002 Liquid Lunch
8100 Reading e-mail
| 1. | tarantula pants | |
Tarantula pants is a penguin, who directs traffic with a life saver, like the ones in star wars. "Look it's Tarantula Pants!" www.urbandictionary.com | ||
George Downes: Maybe there won't be marriage, maybe there won't be sex, but by God there will be dancing!
— My Best Friend's Wedding (1997)
[Ralphie is seeing Santa, only he can't remember what he wanted]
Santa Claus: How about a nice football?
Ralphie as Adult: Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out "football".
Santa Claus: Okay, get him out of here.
Ralphie as Adult: A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!
Ralphie: [Is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up]
No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid.
— A Christmas Story (1983)
So, this is how it has been for the last few weeks, being sick, having too much work to do, and delivering babies. I feel like this guy, and I have to get over it, cause Christmas is coming, and I want Jesus to have the best bdidders EVER!
Not quite an asstat, but a darned good one anyways. This munk's fer yew, Munners.
I have a hard time fitting in with the plastics at high school because I am just too nutty. I couldn’t stop stealing their acorns if I tried. Crazy as can be, the only way to survive is to stuff my cheeks full and wait for the winter.
I have a hard time fitting in with the plastics at high school because I am just too nice. I couldn’t even be mean if I tried. Sweet as can be, the best way to catch flies is with honey of course.
Got to work late 'cause my alarm was busted
The boss chewed me out and everybody's disgusted
'Cause it's one of those days, it's just one of those days
I lost one of my socks in the drier
I can't find my wallet and my hair is on fire
Just one of those days, it's just one of those days
I just wrapped my Cadillac around a tree
A big swarm of locusts is following me
There's not even anything good on TV
It's just one of those days, it's just one of those days
Left all my Beatles records out in the sun
Got a Coke bottle stuck on the end of my tongue
It's just one of those days, gonna be one of those days
The nazis tied me up and covered me with ants
And I spilled toxic waste on my brand new pants
Just one of those days, ever have one of those days
The bank called me up and told me I'm overdrawn
Some freaks are burnin' crosses out on my front lawn
And I can't believe it, all the Cheetos are gone
It's just, just one of those, one of those days
Just one of those, one of those days
The F.B.I. has got a tap on my phone
Those darn Russian spies won't leave me alone
Shouldn't have got up this morning, should've known
It's just one of those days, it's just one of those days
A 747 crashed into my den
And there's nothin' but tater-tots for dinner again
It's just one of those days
Never mind, it's just one of those days
Big steamroller just ran over my mom
And I cut myself shaving and they're dropping the bomb
It's just one of those days
That's all, it's just one of those days
Then late at night, just before I go to bed
The world blows up and now everybody's dead
You just can't deny it, it's just like I said
Just, just one of those, one of those days
Just one of those, one of those days
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days
— Weird Al "Just One of Those Days"
| 1. | Fry Tax | |
When buying fast food for a friend who has no money, it's the the process of taxing your friend by taking a small percentage of their fries as a payment "Russell fry taxed Pierre after their trip to McDonald's and took half of his fries!" www.urbandictionary.com | ||
