Hoff Versus Texas Ranger

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures David Hasselhoff allows to live.

When David Hasselhoff was born, the nurse said, "Holy Cow! That's David Hasselhoff!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

When David Hasselhoff goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average room there are 1,242 objects David Hasselhoff could use to kill you, including the room itself.

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed money from David Hasselhoff and forgot to pay him back.

David Hasselhoff is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

You are what you eat. That is why David Hasselhoff's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

On his birthday, David Hasselhoff randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

When David Hasselhoff does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

David Hasselhoff invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Chuck Norris invented pink.

David Hasselhoff coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when David Hasselhoff punched himself in the face.